"I keep stretching, foam rolling, massage gun-ing, ALL THE THINGS...and my upper traps are STILL tight. WHY!?"
I've been there. I remember sitting in class during PT school, stretching my upper traps CONSTANTLY. I was regularly applying pressure to a "knot" I felt, was spending money on massages every week, and still never felt permanent relief. In fact, it got worse.
It was a vicious cycle of stretch, slight improvement, back to the same discomfort minutes later—massage, temporary relief, discomfort again the next day. Any relief was always fleeting.
I've learned several things that have finally provided lasting changes in my upper trap/neck pain. Many of these things may be the opposite of what you've learned, but try to keep an open mind! My suggestion is to give them a go for a couple of weeks and see what happens. Because my guess is, you've also tried the stretching and massage and still haven't found relief. So what do you have to lose?...